My Philippians 3:4-14

I could have great confidence in myself if I wanted to. I grew up in a missionary family. My parents (two of the smartest people I know) left everything to train local leaders in foreign countries. I accepted Christ at the age of 4. I performed great at church. I was the apple of my Dad's eye. I earned straight-As in school and teachers loved me. I always obeyed the rules (or skirted around them enough to be considered good). I led Bible studies in high school and in college. I was a leader among my peers and I was going places. After college, the corporate world challenged my faith and I sinned with the best of them. I abandoned the teaching of my youth for the taste of being a success. I excelled in my job, getting raise after raise. I had money, friends, position, and everyone liked me.

I once thought all these things were so important. My Christian activities and my secular ambition. But now...now, I consider them all worthless because of what Christ has done for me. Seriously, everything is worthless when compared with the actual truth of Christianity. We get to know Christ, our Lord, our God, our Savior. So, I have trashed everything else. I look at all of my striving and wandering as garbage. I must do this so that I can have Christ and be one with Him. My own goodness, my own "holiness," my own church-going, people-helping ways are not what will save me. I trust (and want to trust more) Christ to save me. For God has a truer way of making us His children and it doesn't depend on us at all.  It depends only on faith. All the time I was growing up, striving to be good, deep down God had placed on my heart a desire to know Him.  The ironic reality is that Christ is known not through my striving but through faith. And as crazy as it sounds there is the real opportunity for us to experience God's power (which is not at all like human power that we all hunger for).  God's strength raises people from the dead.  If I can experience that (and I believe that I have!), somehow that means that the dead things inside of me can be raised up to life. I can have life that is true and eternal. And the ugliness inside of me, that includes self-righteousness, arrogance, and selfishness can finally die. And my truest self (who God wants me to be) can be resurrected and used for His glory. 

I don't mean to say that I've arrived or that I've already achieved any of this to perfection (or anywhere near it). But, this is my aim. I will keep working until the day I die not on becoming a better, more moral person but on becoming the woman Christ Jesus wants me to be. For this is the reason he saved me at four years old. Not so that I could boast in my own righteousness but so that I can boast in Him. 

Family, I am definitely not all that I should be (and if you know me at all, you know this), but I seek to put all my energy into this one thing: Forget the past. Forget the striving, the school achievements, the self-importance. Forget the sin, the wandering, the laziness. And forget trying to go places where I will be considered important. And seek Christ only. Go nowhere He isn't. Seek out places where I'll be humbled. Find Him in serving others. I'm 100% focused on reaching the end of my life and not just dying but living. I want to live life the way Christ wants me to live. And one day to get my prize - to see God face to face and to live in His presence for all time.

Prayer of Obscurity

Below is a prayer I rediscovered today.  One that impacted me last summer and continues to find me.  

"Today I still long so much for honour. I am so pleased with myself, so rooted in my nature. I am pleased when others often ask for my opinion, when I am made to feel I am needed, when people know that I am clever, talented, and popular. I am glad when I am friends with everyone, when I can share with others what is in my heart, when I can shine.

But Lord Jesus, you were a servant of all.  Today I surrender all desire to be great, I renounce all pleasure I take in being important. Help me never to take pleasure in the things that do not please you."

A prayer of Basilea Schlink

May this prayer find all of us in the obscurity of our faith and lives. May it remind us that life is only found in Christ. 

We need more friends

I've never seen myself as the main character of my own story. When I daydream about my life I often find myself as the supporting character to a friend who I'm rooting for, encouraging and driving her to the airport just in time to catch the love of her life before he leaves for Africa. I always manage to turn out ok in my stories (matched with the funny yet lower key friend, giving advice when needed, and providing comic relief). I certainly don't lack in selfishness but I've always been more comfortable in a supporting role when it comes to my friendships.

Reading Ruth 1:16-22, I find myself doing the same thing. Today, when I read Naomi's words of her tragedy, I didn't see myself as Naomi but rather I found myself as her friend.  Filled with compassion as I listened to her tale of affliction. Close to her sadness and experiencing anger at her side.  I grieved that her husband and sons' deaths were not the way it's supposed to be. And it caused me to wonder - Were there friends that came alongside Naomi when she returned to Bethlehem? She had a wonderful advocate, redeemer, and daughter in Ruth, but I wonder if she had a peer? Someone to help her grieve, to remind her of God's faithfulness, and to just sit silently with her. 

As I read her story once again, I was reminded that I want to be that friend to other people. I want to be that support to those as God leads them through the dark times of their life. And I'm always thankful for those very faithful men and women who come alongside me in my life. I pray for more and more friends like that to be raised up in our church - and I hope I can be counted among them. 

Naomi's honesty

“I went out full, and the Lord has brought me home again empty...” Ruth 1:21

Naomi’s arrival back to Bethlehem should have been a sweet homecoming for her. Old friends waited anxiously to greet her. And neighbors wanted to hear news of her family. As these old friends greeted her, Naomi abruptly stops them. “Do not call me Naomi (pleasant), call me Mara (bitter) for the Almighty has dealt very bitterly with me. I went out full, and the Lord has brought me home again empty. Why do you call me Naomi, since the Lord has testified against me, and the Almighty has afflicted me?” (Ruth 1:20-21)

We often treat Naomi poorly as we retell her story to others. She has a bad reputation of being an angry and bitter woman. We wonder why she can’t be more like Ruth who trusts God in the midst of uncertainty and tragedy. But if we look closer at the story, we cannot help but feel Naomi’s pain. She has lost both her husband and her sons. And as a woman in the ancient world, she has no hope of providing for herself. She is empty. She is bitter. And she declares her feelings honestly before her old friends and before her God.

When our lives are filled with uncertainty, afflictions, and tragedy, we sometimes hide our true feelings from the world. Not wanting to let others into our personal pain and not wanting to betray our less-than-perfect feelings about God, we pretend that everything is fine. We sometimes pretend in front of God too. Praying prayers than are “righteous” but not true. Saying all the right words that don’t match our feelings of pain and affliction. Not wanting to ask God, “Why me?” The story of Ruth and Naomi is beautiful because it contains so much of the real, emotional pain we often feel but don’t always express. Naomi has real pain and heartache in her life. She feels afflicted by God but her feelings do not threaten God’s eternal love for her. God hears Naomi’s anger against Him and provides grace, healing, and redemption for her.

And Naomi is not alone in her pain. Scripture is full of people crying out to God. The psalms’ authors embrace feelings of God’s affliction and true depression (Psalm 66:11). Job cries out in confusion over the tragedy that has come upon him (Job 6:4; 16:12).  And God hears and knows our true and imperfect feelings as well.  

True freedom does not exist in a “perfect” world where we never feel grief, loss, or disappointment with God. True freedom exists in Christ. Where we’re known and loved despite our ability to always see and testify to God’s hand at work in our afflictions. God understands our feelings in our successes and our disappointments.  He comforts us when we hurt and He can handle our less than perfect feelings, even when they are directed at Him. There is freedom in living honestly before God because we see His hand of grace as He works to redeem our dark situations. And when we live honestly, others see His hand of redemption too. And together we can glorify God as He works out His plan of healing in our lives.

The Nearness of God

"Draw close to God, and God will draw close to you." James 4:8a

I read this verse in a little devotional this morning and had the thought that this should be my theme verse. You know, that verse that encapsulates everything you feel about God, that you continue coming back to to provide comfort and solace when times get hard. I went to James to read the context of the passage expecting to find more of the same - a passage on how intimacy with God provides comfort. Instead what I found was a more accurate picture of what I have been living this past year.  James 4 talks about the whole army of evil desires within us. It admonishes the reader to take stock of their own motives and allow God to root out the selfishness and pride in our hearts. 

As we draw near to God, our sinfulness is exposed. I wish it weren't true in my case but for the past months (and over the past years) as I've drawn closer and closer to God, I have seen more and more of my own selfishness, my own pride, and my own sin. It is ugly and the closer I draw to God, the uglier I see it in myself. And still the process is painful. Even though I want Christ to perform sin surgery and remove it all from my life, I'm surprised by how deeply the roots of sin are in my heart. So that when God does remove sin from my life, it hurts. 

So, Merry Christmas, right? A message of pain and sin removal for this happy day. Except that it is happy. Even though it is painful and even though it grieves me to see God removing things I didn't even know existed in my life, I am close to Him. I am by His side and that is where I want to be. So when, Christ drew near to all of us 2,000 years ago, He did it so that I could draw close to God - which turns out to be the deepest and purest longing of my heart. He came for me. And He came for you. Draw close to God and He will draw close to you. The process is not painless but the pain is worth it. 

To-do list

As I worked on my computer tonight, I stumbled across an old document, collecting dust on my desktop. When I was in seminary, I kept a running list of all the assignments I needed to finish in one handy word document called "things to do." In our advanced world, it stands as a pretty primitive way for me to keep track of outstanding items that I want to accomplish but the system worked and I never unintentionally turned in assignments late. 

But since graduating from seminary, I've neglected the list. I don't have as many things to do (thank God) and I have taken to keeping track of the very important things on my calendar on my cell. But due to boredom tonight, I opened up the document and found the remains of some old items I never finished.  One was a mix CD that I planned to make for my good friend (sorry, Alissa!). Second was a reminder to look up a ministry that I might be interested in pursuing (I wonder why I never heard back from them...). And third, I have typed, "Don't forget to reveal grace every time you speak." 

I am often humored by my own ability to structure spiritual growth but tonight I was encouraged by my heart's desire to reveal grace to people as I speak. I'm sure when I originally wrote it down on my to-do list, I thought my life would be filled with speaking engagements and book deals. Today though, the words have new meaning. I spoke to a friend on the phone today and encouraged her to persevere in the path that God was calling her to. One of my students came by today and we covered the darker sides of her family with grace. Today I spoke grace, but other days my mouth is quick to criticize. And the reminder to reveal grace is something I long to keep in front of me as one of the most important tasks of my day. Every interaction I have with someone is a chance to reveal the very grace God has so abundantly given to me. So, grace remains on my to-do list (along with the mix CD and ministry recommendation).  I hope it's there to stay. 

Trusting God in Dark Times

Ruth 1:11 – But Naomi said, “Turn back, my daughters; why will you go with me?  Are there still sons in my womb, that they may be your husbands?

After Naomi’s sons and husband die, she decides to return to Bethlehem with her two daughters-in-law. The famine in Moab is merciless to these three widows but they anticipate a better future in Bethlehem. Shortly into their trip, Naomi breaks down. She tells her daughters-in-law there is no hope for them with her. They will have no one to remarry if they stay with Naomi and because of that, no children. If they leave her and return to Moab, Naomi says, they have hope of getting remarried and of a future. Naomi tells them to go home. To turn back.

Grief and pain come from different places in our lives and ministry: physical loss, financial troubles, failure, and emotional hurt. And the sorrow and heartache that emerge from these losses can cause us to question God’s direction for our life. They tempt us to give up and turn back on the plans God gave us. The Hebrews longed for the comforts of Egypt after Moses led them out of slavery (Exodus 16:3). Naomi believed the future in Moab was better for her daughters-in-law then the one with her in Bethlehem. In the face of despair and set-backs, the reliable past is more attractive than the uncertain future. When dark times inevitably come, we easily run from the plans God has for you and me. We turn away from God and return to the familiar comforts of the past. A friend recently reminded me of this quote by Raymond Edman, “Never doubt in the dark what God has revealed to you in the light.” When darkness, grief and loss threaten to derail us from the plans God has for us, we must continue to believe. We trust what He has revealed to us in the light and remain faithful to Him as He carries us through the darkness.

While Orpah choose to return to Moab, Ruth remained unmoved by Naomi’s version of her bleak future.  Ruth said, “Entreat me not to leave you or to turn back from following after you; For wherever you go , I will go; And wherever you lodge, I will lodge; Your people shall be my people, and your God, my God” (Ruth 1:16). Ruth not only declares her loyalty to Naomi but to the one true God. She is constant, faithful, and true even when the future is dark.

When life brings spiritual and physical losses that tempt us to turn back from God and His plan, we must remain faithful to Him. God sometimes leads us straight into the middle of tragedy and uncertainty to demonstrate His complete control. When we have no idea where He leads us or why, we have no choice but to trust Him every step of the way. Stay loyal to God. Be constant in your devotion to Him. Don’t turn back when the future looks bleak. Remain faithful to Him and allow Him to carry you through the darkness.