Dreaming small

I love to dream. Once during my senior year of college I dreamed I created an amazing final project for my oceanography class full of pertinent information, colors, and 3-D images. The dream was so great and so affirming that I was only slightly disappointed when I woke up to the reality of the mediocre project I completed on a white posterboard from Jewel Osco.

Another recurring dream I have involves eating nachos in bed. That’s the dream…I eat nachos in bed and it is wonderful. 

My dreams are usually small. Only occasionally will I have a grand dream at night.  Something that takes me on an adventure through space and time. Where I wake up sure that I’ve just been in the midst of an ethereal experience and equally certain of the reality of what I just dreamt. Those are great nights and ones I wish I could duplicate. But normally my dreams are small.

I’m ok with that. I do dream pretty small when I’m in charge of my imagination. I daydream about concrete realities like jobs and relationships and food. When I think of how my life might go, I always end up feeling like my dreams just might be too small for the reality that awaits me.

This is why I entrust my heart, my hopes, and my small dreams to the one person who creates grand, big, and epic realities. God dreams big. He dreams of peace in places where there is unrest. He dreams of freedom where there is slavery. For me, He dreams of something I don't yet know. But I am sure His dreams for my life go beyond what I could possibly imagine. They venture past the concrete into the miraculous.

At Advent when we dream of things like white Christmases and sugarplums, I love to think about the big plans God dreams for us this next year. His ideas that have yet to unfold. The days that He will ordain. The good works He plans for us to do. And the surprises He waits to bestow.

I don’t know what any of those dreams might be for you and much less for me. So, I entrust them to Him. And I’ll keep dreaming small until the day when I’ll wake up to the biggest dream of my life–Jesus, face-to-face. When I’ll take an adventure through time and space and awaken to an ethereal reality that puts my grandest dreams to shame. I dream you’re standing next to me on that day and that this Advent season you see God’s dreams come true in your life. In big ways and small ways.  

Entering into the Wilderness

This blog post is late. I know. It’s been my intention this season to publish a post on each Sunday of Advent. God prompted me to do this and I relied on Him to provide the content and wording. And He has. The posts came naturally and they were a delight to write. So, I expected this week to be no different. I felt confident that God would lead me to share exactly what I needed to at the right time. That was Monday of last week. And then Tuesday came and Wednesday and surprisingly Thursday, Friday and Saturday followed immediately after. And nothing. I had no significant thoughts and certainly nothing that inspired me for this post.

Except for one annoying thing.

Separate from my blog posts, I’m also reading different advent devotionals in order to spend this season intentionally waiting on God. Now, as I’ve shared before, waiting really has become a way of life for me–a way to worship. Yet there are times when my waiting is filled with celebration and joy and there are times where God has led me straight through deserts of grief during my waiting. I’ll let you imagine which times I prefer.

This week, I read a devotional about how God leads us into wilderness areas of our lives-places that are barren spiritually and need cultivation. The reading encouraged us to follow God into those desert areas and find in them Christ’s presence, hope, and restoration. As I finished reading the short devotional, my only thought and prayer was that I wanted to avoid this wilderness for right now. Like others, I've traveled through spiritual wildernesses before and they are unpleasant, treacherous, and sometimes gut wrenching. I didn’t feel strong enough emotionally to enter into the barren places of my life. I felt overwhelmed at the idea that there was more to learn in the desert right now (I was secretly hoping for some mountaintop time with the Lord). It always costs to enter into the wilderness places of our lives. It requires letting go of things that are important to us and finding life in the presence of God. I know some of what the wilderness requires. You probably do too. And this week it was hard for me to want to enter into that.

Isaiah 35:1-4 says that one day, “The wilderness and the dry land shall be glad, the desert shall rejoice and blossom; 
like the crocus it shall blossom abundantly, and rejoice with joy and singing...Strengthen the weak hands, and make firm the feeble knees. Say to those who are of a fearful heart, ‘Be strong, fear not!...He will come and save you.’

He will come. This week when I longed not to go through the wilderness, when I felt like the promise of God was too far for me to reach, and when I was overwhelmed by the thought of time in a spiritual desert, I was reminded that God comes to me. I do not need to reach Him. I do not need to be strong enough to go to Him. He reaches me. He comes to me. He is the God who comes to us - in the wilderness and on the mountain. God walked with Adam and Eve. He showed Moses His glory. He spoke to Jeremiah. Christ came to us in Bethlehem. And He will keep on coming to you and me until we are with Him face to face.

As God comes to us and we spend time in His presence, He works in the wilderness of our lives bringing rejoicing, blossoming, and awesome crocuses (croci?). In His presence is the fullness of joy and whether I go through the wilderness or stand on a mountain with God, I know I want to be with Him. So with my feeble knees and weak hands, I open myself up to His leading into the barren places of my life. I trust Him to guide me tenderly through the wilderness and I’m grateful that He responds gently to my cries for another way. This season, I’m praying that God leads us to the exact places where we can most experience His life and find true joy. 

Longing for More

I’m dreaming of a White Christmas. I’ll be Home for Christmas. Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas. The best Christmas songs are all about longing. Longing for snow, for home, for togetherness and for magic.

Christmas makes us feel like something magical can happen. Like if we just attended the perfect Christmas party or caught the right train, then we would meet the person of our dreams and find the funding for that cute little pie shop we long to open. Not to mention the fact that movies like Love Actually and White Christmas show us that a delightfully choreographed song and dance number is all that’s needed to fix our relationship problems (I’ve prepared something for the occasion, just in case that turns out to be true).

I long for the magic of Christmas in my life.

I haven’t always wanted to reveal my areas of longing to others. I am a private person (as evidenced by the fact that I wrote a blog for a year without sharing it with friends and family). Also, I don’t want to appear discontented with my life. I am so grateful for where God has me right now - working at an awesome church with amazing students, part of a supportive family who loves me, and hanging out with the best friends in the world.

More than my privacy issues and not wanting to appear discontented, I also know that sometimes my longing embarrasses me. My practicality seems to fight directly with my longing for dreams that are God-filled and miraculous. It feels foolish to admit that you want something you may never get. And I find myself vulnerable confessing year after year to people and to myself that I hope for things that haven’t yet materialized.

But the reality is I still long. I long for Christ. I feel pangs of loneliness. I ache for my friends and family to experience the life God offers. I cry out for healing for those closest to me. I anticipate and yes, long, to make a greater impact in this world. I am unsatisfied with the selfishness that infiltrates my life and I want to move beyond it. I long for more.

Advent is a time when we are invited to long for more. As we feel our longing for Christ increase during this season, our senses heighten to the reality of His presence in our lives. And as we walk in step with Him, we wake up to our deepest desire…Christ. When we long for Christ and for His best in our lives, we enter into longing that is not discontentment and that flies in the face of keeping our lives private. Our longings in life direct us to God and lead us to live honestly and vulnerably in front of Him and others. Allowing God to guide us in our longing also frees us up to experience His unexpected answers to our desires. We open our eyes to see God move us. And His work in our life answers our longings in the best way possible–by making us into the men and women he longs for us to be.  

Our longing for Christ also puts us right in the middle of the Christmas story. When Christ was born, people were longing for Him too. For Messiah. For salvation. For freedom. They longed for Him to come. And even though the reality may not have been what they expected, He did come. And He is coming again.

At Christmas time, there is magic in the air. As we long for Christ, we live in the magic of longing for the One who can actually make the impossible happen. We long for Him who can free us, heal us, and make us whole. This Christmas, I’m praying that we open ourselves up to God’s leading. That we walk honestly and vulnerably before Him with our longings. I’m also praying boldly this Christmas that God answers the deepest longings of our heart. And that we have eyes to see the unexpected ways He leads us into His best for our life.

Learning to Love the Wait

Waiting for Christmas Eve night proved challenging for my brothers, sister and I when we were growing up. My family always opened presents on Christmas Eve and my mom and dad allowed us on this one night to stay up as late as necessary until all the gifts had been unwrapped one by one. The night was full of magic and warmth and we couldn’t wait for it to get to us. So, every year during the day on Christmas Eve, I caught myself checking the clock, trying to busy myself, and generally just wishing the minutes and hours would speed up so that Christmas Eve night would finally arrive.

One year, in order to hurry the day, my older brother and I brilliantly planned to schedule out each minute of Christmas Eve leading up to the very moment when we would open presents. We mapped out time playing inside and outside. We added in food and bathroom breaks. The whole day was full of time together. And before I knew it, Christmas Eve night was there and our presents were ready to be opened. We didn’t feel the anxiousness of waiting that had marked so many years before. That day, I loved the wait because the day was full of adventure with someone I loved.

Through no design of my own, I’ve caught myself waiting on God more frequently during the past couple of years of my life - sometimes unintentionally, freely and innocently, and other times with tears and pleading. Although the waiting is not always what I expect or desire, God has allowed me to become more of the woman He wants me to be in the midst of it.  As I wait on Him, I gain the deepest desire of my heart…..Christ. I get to spend my days with the one I love the most and in Him I find the adventure that I seek.  In the waiting, I trust Him more.  I rest in His timing. I lean into His grace. And I see His goodness. Because Christ is with me, I am learning to love the wait. Many people have told me that waiting on God could be preparation for what He has planned for me in the future. I know that is true. However, waiting has become so much more to me than that. Waiting on God has become life itself. It is in the waiting that I find Christ and He is life.  

During this time of Advent, we turn our hearts together to waiting on the Lord. We remember and celebrate that He came once and we look forward with anticipation to His coming again. He was born as Emmanuel, God with us, and it is the reality of this name that makes the waiting on Him now something to love. He is with us. And His presence gives life to the waiting.

So I pray for you, my friends and family, and myself who are waiting….

Waiting for healing....

     Waiting for a job...

          Waiting to graduate...

               Waiting to get married or have a baby...

                    Waiting for life to get better or waiting for life to begin

I pray that in the waiting you find Christ. That He leads you into days full of adventure together. And that we learn to love the wait because He is with us.    

Job Interview Tips from the Master

I've been looking for a job with a church for the past two years so I know a thing or two about interviewing for a ministry position. But I don't really know more than 2 things. So at times, the process has been difficult. Today, I share my pain with you in the form of 4 bon mots that I've heard myself say in a job interview which may be a clue as to why I don't have a full-time job today:

1. Question from pastor: So you've considered the challenges in becoming Presbyterian?
Me: Why don't you tell me what you think those challenges are and I'll let you know if I've considered them?

2. Advice from pastor: If you're going to be a woman in ministry, you probably want to have a clear-cut view on women in ministry. Me: I'm purposefully imprecise.

3. Pastor: Mary Katherine, we're calling to let you know that we decided to go with this other candidate for the position but we really appreciate your time and effort applying. Me (genuine, not sarcastic): That person sounds amazing!  I definitely would have given her the job as well.  She sounds like a much better fit. 

4. Pastor: Why don't you tell people that you write a blog? Me: I'm just really bad at authentic self-promotion. Pastor: So, it's not full of statements of anarchy? Me: No, no. Nothing like that....yet.

Happy job hunting, fellow interviewees! 

In the chaos

I just came back from a week and a half of vacation. I spent the first week with my family up in Maine and the last few days, I got to be with one of my oldest and closest friends in Boston. Time away allows God to refocus my mind. To take the truths that I have been learning from Him and solidify them in my mind. He also shows me the beauty and security of our relationship. In my normal life (which is pretty abnormal), I sometimes take for granted His presence. We have developed a rhythm together. We spend long mornings together and He is faithful to teach me.

In new environments however, I wonder, how will He show Himself?  Will I have the time necessary to be with Him? To sit with Him? This vacation, I had plenty of time in the mornings to engage with Him and it was wonderful. But it wasn’t always quiet. My whole immediate family of 11 people was staying in the same house together. So there was constantly movement and laughter and conversations. I have two nephews that are 7 and 4 and in the early mornings they are active. I was definitely free to spend time with the Lord but it was never still and I was never alone. Anyone reading this who has children will certainly scoff at the idea of a quiet morning.

And that’s been one of the questions I've had in this process of slowing down in my life. I know that God has given me this time to be with Him and to learn from Him. But I also long for movement. I do wonder what my relationship will be like with Him when I don’t have the same environment. Without uninterrupted hours in the morning, will I still encounter the same relationship and the same God that I see now? It has also been my heart to share this journey with others. I want my friends and family to experience the same depth of God’s presence and His goodness. But is it feasible to think that someone working 60-70 hours a week with 2 kids could have the time or space to be quiet before God?  

What I experienced in the chaos, loudness, and chatter of my family together was that God was still present. He was unhindered by noise and was still speaking. As my nephews ran back and forth between rooms, my parents stopped me to ask questions about the day, and my brothers and sisters descended down the stairs to get breakfast, God still wanted to meet with me there. In the midst of a busy household, He was still speaking and still able to get through to me-someone who loves silence and serenity.

The below song has been my prayer throughout my time of waiting. The words have echoed so much of what I’ve experienced and long to experience. I am restored in the secret, quiet, stillness of God’s presence. And when God calls me to move in my life, I won’t delay. But the second verse took on new meaning as I watched the activity around me this vacation. It says, “In the chaos. In confusion, I know you’re sovereign still.” I’ve always envisioned this chaos and confusion happening in moments of tragedy and uncertainty in life. But sometimes, normal life is filled with chaos.  Sometimes, our family is buzzing around, our work is hectic and that’s normal life. God calls to us in the stillness and in the chaos of our lives and He speaks for us to hear Him. I long for ears to hear both in the quiet and in the cacophony of life. And I pray the same for you today.  

He has everything

Most mornings, I wake up to the very loud and disturbing noise of my alarm clock on my cell phone.  I wish I was one of those people that had an internal alarm clock-who woke up feeling refreshed and alive every day. But most days, I need the clock.  I need my cell phone to do the work I wish it didn't do.  

Recently, I've gotten in the habit of turning off my alarm and immediately checking my phone for email messages, Facebook posts, and Instagram photos.  I know in my head that not much could have had happened in the 6-8 hours I had been asleep but occasionally something important is revealed. This routine became the first thing I did in the morning. The very first way I engaged with my day was to look at my phone. And it is death. Most of the emails that I receive during the night are junk-from some company telling me about their daily deals, trying to sell me something, or get me to look at their brand.  Most posts from facebook are from the wee small hours of the night and will be available for perusal later in my day. 

This week, I have been in a fog. And one morning, I prayed for God to focus my mind and to remove the veil I felt so vividly. And He told me to put away my phone. "It has nothing and I have everything," I heard Him whisper to me. He is so right (per usual). My phone which I view as so harmless is eating up my first thoughts of the day. Thoughts that I wanted to direct to God. Or more accurately, thoughts that I wanted God to direct for me.  My phone was full of nothingness.  Full of empty thoughts. Full of ways for me to escape. Full of posts and emails that could definitely wait until later in the day. And although I didn't understand, my phone was filling up my mind with worries and concerns from the world. While I desperately want to be Kingdom focused, my phone in those early morning times was such a distraction. So here is my small offering. I have put my phone away for the first of the day. I wait on the Lord in the earliest part of my day. I seek Him first and leave the phone for later. And I trust Him to fill up my thoughts for the day. He has everything and that is what I want.

My Philippians 3:4-14

I could have great confidence in myself if I wanted to. I grew up in a missionary family. My parents (two of the smartest people I know) left everything to train local leaders in foreign countries. I accepted Christ at the age of 4. I performed great at church. I was the apple of my Dad's eye. I earned straight-As in school and teachers loved me. I always obeyed the rules (or skirted around them enough to be considered good). I led Bible studies in high school and in college. I was a leader among my peers and I was going places. After college, the corporate world challenged my faith and I sinned with the best of them. I abandoned the teaching of my youth for the taste of being a success. I excelled in my job, getting raise after raise. I had money, friends, position, and everyone liked me.

I once thought all these things were so important. My Christian activities and my secular ambition. But now...now, I consider them all worthless because of what Christ has done for me. Seriously, everything is worthless when compared with the actual truth of Christianity. We get to know Christ, our Lord, our God, our Savior. So, I have trashed everything else. I look at all of my striving and wandering as garbage. I must do this so that I can have Christ and be one with Him. My own goodness, my own "holiness," my own church-going, people-helping ways are not what will save me. I trust (and want to trust more) Christ to save me. For God has a truer way of making us His children and it doesn't depend on us at all.  It depends only on faith. All the time I was growing up, striving to be good, deep down God had placed on my heart a desire to know Him.  The ironic reality is that Christ is known not through my striving but through faith. And as crazy as it sounds there is the real opportunity for us to experience God's power (which is not at all like human power that we all hunger for).  God's strength raises people from the dead.  If I can experience that (and I believe that I have!), somehow that means that the dead things inside of me can be raised up to life. I can have life that is true and eternal. And the ugliness inside of me, that includes self-righteousness, arrogance, and selfishness can finally die. And my truest self (who God wants me to be) can be resurrected and used for His glory. 

I don't mean to say that I've arrived or that I've already achieved any of this to perfection (or anywhere near it). But, this is my aim. I will keep working until the day I die not on becoming a better, more moral person but on becoming the woman Christ Jesus wants me to be. For this is the reason he saved me at four years old. Not so that I could boast in my own righteousness but so that I can boast in Him. 

Family, I am definitely not all that I should be (and if you know me at all, you know this), but I seek to put all my energy into this one thing: Forget the past. Forget the striving, the school achievements, the self-importance. Forget the sin, the wandering, the laziness. And forget trying to go places where I will be considered important. And seek Christ only. Go nowhere He isn't. Seek out places where I'll be humbled. Find Him in serving others. I'm 100% focused on reaching the end of my life and not just dying but living. I want to live life the way Christ wants me to live. And one day to get my prize - to see God face to face and to live in His presence for all time.

Prayer of Obscurity

Below is a prayer I rediscovered today.  One that impacted me last summer and continues to find me.  

"Today I still long so much for honour. I am so pleased with myself, so rooted in my nature. I am pleased when others often ask for my opinion, when I am made to feel I am needed, when people know that I am clever, talented, and popular. I am glad when I am friends with everyone, when I can share with others what is in my heart, when I can shine.

But Lord Jesus, you were a servant of all.  Today I surrender all desire to be great, I renounce all pleasure I take in being important. Help me never to take pleasure in the things that do not please you."

A prayer of Basilea Schlink

May this prayer find all of us in the obscurity of our faith and lives. May it remind us that life is only found in Christ. 

We need more friends

I've never seen myself as the main character of my own story. When I daydream about my life I often find myself as the supporting character to a friend who I'm rooting for, encouraging and driving her to the airport just in time to catch the love of her life before he leaves for Africa. I always manage to turn out ok in my stories (matched with the funny yet lower key friend, giving advice when needed, and providing comic relief). I certainly don't lack in selfishness but I've always been more comfortable in a supporting role when it comes to my friendships.

Reading Ruth 1:16-22, I find myself doing the same thing. Today, when I read Naomi's words of her tragedy, I didn't see myself as Naomi but rather I found myself as her friend.  Filled with compassion as I listened to her tale of affliction. Close to her sadness and experiencing anger at her side.  I grieved that her husband and sons' deaths were not the way it's supposed to be. And it caused me to wonder - Were there friends that came alongside Naomi when she returned to Bethlehem? She had a wonderful advocate, redeemer, and daughter in Ruth, but I wonder if she had a peer? Someone to help her grieve, to remind her of God's faithfulness, and to just sit silently with her. 

As I read her story once again, I was reminded that I want to be that friend to other people. I want to be that support to those as God leads them through the dark times of their life. And I'm always thankful for those very faithful men and women who come alongside me in my life. I pray for more and more friends like that to be raised up in our church - and I hope I can be counted among them. 

Naomi's honesty

“I went out full, and the Lord has brought me home again empty...” Ruth 1:21

Naomi’s arrival back to Bethlehem should have been a sweet homecoming for her. Old friends waited anxiously to greet her. And neighbors wanted to hear news of her family. As these old friends greeted her, Naomi abruptly stops them. “Do not call me Naomi (pleasant), call me Mara (bitter) for the Almighty has dealt very bitterly with me. I went out full, and the Lord has brought me home again empty. Why do you call me Naomi, since the Lord has testified against me, and the Almighty has afflicted me?” (Ruth 1:20-21)

We often treat Naomi poorly as we retell her story to others. She has a bad reputation of being an angry and bitter woman. We wonder why she can’t be more like Ruth who trusts God in the midst of uncertainty and tragedy. But if we look closer at the story, we cannot help but feel Naomi’s pain. She has lost both her husband and her sons. And as a woman in the ancient world, she has no hope of providing for herself. She is empty. She is bitter. And she declares her feelings honestly before her old friends and before her God.

When our lives are filled with uncertainty, afflictions, and tragedy, we sometimes hide our true feelings from the world. Not wanting to let others into our personal pain and not wanting to betray our less-than-perfect feelings about God, we pretend that everything is fine. We sometimes pretend in front of God too. Praying prayers than are “righteous” but not true. Saying all the right words that don’t match our feelings of pain and affliction. Not wanting to ask God, “Why me?” The story of Ruth and Naomi is beautiful because it contains so much of the real, emotional pain we often feel but don’t always express. Naomi has real pain and heartache in her life. She feels afflicted by God but her feelings do not threaten God’s eternal love for her. God hears Naomi’s anger against Him and provides grace, healing, and redemption for her.

And Naomi is not alone in her pain. Scripture is full of people crying out to God. The psalms’ authors embrace feelings of God’s affliction and true depression (Psalm 66:11). Job cries out in confusion over the tragedy that has come upon him (Job 6:4; 16:12).  And God hears and knows our true and imperfect feelings as well.  

True freedom does not exist in a “perfect” world where we never feel grief, loss, or disappointment with God. True freedom exists in Christ. Where we’re known and loved despite our ability to always see and testify to God’s hand at work in our afflictions. God understands our feelings in our successes and our disappointments.  He comforts us when we hurt and He can handle our less than perfect feelings, even when they are directed at Him. There is freedom in living honestly before God because we see His hand of grace as He works to redeem our dark situations. And when we live honestly, others see His hand of redemption too. And together we can glorify God as He works out His plan of healing in our lives.