Grace

I screwed up this week. You know those sins in your life that you think you've grown out of, that you think, "Ah, I was so foolish and young back then to be tempted by that." I'm still foolish and young. And I honestly didn't know how to conceptualize it. I wanted victory in a situation that I faced but I just kept messing up and messing up and questioning whether this whole person that God was making me was just a lie that I had been telling myself. I hadn't really grown at all in this past year, much less in my whole Christian experience.

Then there was grace. As I pondered over my own growth and stupidity and worthlessness, I eventually came to God and found not condemnation but grace. I had screwed up and He had grace for me. I went to him with a filthy hands and He cleansed me. The victory this week came when I embraced grace. When I remembered again that the gospel message has nothing to do with what I have to offer God. It is simply a story of grace. This week I embraced it and this week I remembered. May I live life not in light of my failure but in the glow of God's grace.

You Don't have much Faith (a fun reality to wake up to!)

I worry about what other people think of me. I want others to look up to me. I want to be seen as "A Woman of Faith" (noble, right?). Matthew 14:22ff tells the famous story of Jesus and Peter walking on water. After Peter fails (At least he tries! I'm looking at you, other 11 disciples), Jesus reaches to save him and says, "You don't have much faith. Why did you doubt me?" (NLT). This statement crushed me. Words that cut through to the heart of who I am destroy me when they're not positive. As I read these words today, I felt for Peter. I would have been destroyed to hear Jesus say this to me. Yet, I know true freedom exists where we're known. Jesus clearly knows Peter for the man he is and not the man he wants everyone to see. And He saved Him. In the midst of his failure, He saved Peter.

Yesterday, I prayed about a possible love interest in my life (they do come up occasionally). I prayed, "God, Help ME to know how to proceed with this friendship." A fine prayer but I was giving myself way too much credit. So, instead I prayed, "Lord, I mess up my relationships. I pray for your guidance and your complete control. I confess that I will mess this up. And I pray that you will save me from my own failure, doubt, and sin. I want to walk in this friendship as I want to walk in all my life. At your side, in your shadow, and under your wing." God knows I will fail. God knows He will save me. And there is freedom there-not condemnation. May we live in light of who we truly are and not how we want others to see us. And may our faith be increased because we walk in this truth.

Looking for comfort in my little Bible concordance

Tim's Aunt Lynn died recently and I went searching the Scriptures for something that would comfort, talk about grief, be a balm to me and to them.

I looked up "comfort."  They were good passages but a lot of reasons why we will be comforted so that we can comfort others.  A truly beautiful thought, but when you've just lost someone, it is hard to see how a deeper meaning could have been worth it.

Then I looked up "grief." No luck in the little concordance in my Bible.

Then, and only then, I looked up "death."  It's hard to look death in the face. But God is not scared of it and He talks about it without words that evade.

Isaiah 25 speaks of a time in the future when God will swallow up death forever.

Today, when I think of Tim, of Lynn, of their family, I am reminded that death will not be with us forever.  And the death that eats us alive from the inside will one day be swallowed up.  That is my prayer today. For me, Tim, Lynn's family, my family, and my friends (those who believe and who don't).  Swallow up the death in our life so that we might experience the fullness of life. Amen.

Mary Katherine-ness

When the words "Moab" and "Moabite" appear in Ruth 1, they stick out like a sore thumb. This foreigner and foreign people had no business being in the middle of God's redemptive work. My name is Mary Katherine.  Those two words, which make up my name, are equally unlikely to be included in His story. But He used Ruth, even though she was a Moabite. And He uses me, even though I am full of "Mary Katherine-ness." Moabite, Mary Katherine, sinner, loser, gossiper, jealous, insecure, dirty, poor, untalented person that you are - God's redemption story has an unlikely place for you too.